Ethan's Specialty Spa

My masseuse, his name was Simon, he started violently blowing bubbles on my stomach. My spine leapt out of my body and gained sentience, instantly belting Everlong by Nirvana. I tried to calm him down but then he went to hot topic and couldn't stop buying baggy jeans, like the 16 footers. I told him it was too expensive but he told me I lacked a spine :(

I thought I'd do some research behind this. Turns out it's a super interesting and inspiring story. 'Bout a century ago, several guys from out of town brought in some uranium water and the local folks liked the way it made their skin burn. So they started a firm around the idea of "you pay, you burn, you may or may not die". Everyone loved it and business started booming. With the help of the nearby Wendy's snake milkers and their incarcerated cousins, they brought the company to what it is today. Truly magical. If only they had temperatures capable of melting steel, cause my knee brace was still intact when I hopped in the tub. That's a deal breaker for me, unfortunately. But cool story!

I came for relaxation, but I stayed for the mystery. No one knows where the spa is exactly, or what Ethan’s specialties are — but somehow I feel healed. My stress melted away, and so did part of my shoe. Worth it.

I was unsure about this to be honest, but when they cranked on the heat it actually wasn't to bad. Nothing like a good 294 degree fahrenheit tub to help loosen your joints. In fact, it's so good it loosens everything including your skin from your body, but that's overrated honestly. Definitely recommend tho. But watch out for the strange assistant dude. He likes putting up skeletons around the place and grinding wood creepily in the building. But go check it out!

I had a terrible day and I was so lonely but then I thought about Ethan’s specialty spa. I went there and I’d say it’s even better than Epstein’s island. I had such a fun night, you should definitely go.